Dealing Life with with Partner who has OCD

Writing my thoughts right now is knowing that someone will come across this post with the same dilemma as mine.

I was feeling alright all along. I thought that finding someone you love will make you whole someday. I remember how hopeless romantic my posts were years ago. That time when all I wanna achieve in life is to find someone whom I will love, who can love me too. I did, and everything I had dreamed of actually happened.

What I didn't come to realise is that I am losing myself in the process of loving someone who is complete opposite of me. They say that 2 different people compliments each other. In my case, we more on clash most of the time.

At an early stage of marriage, I had detected that I married a person who has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- google it up to know more about it). My husband is such an organised person who has neat obsessions. At first, I felt so lucky to have someone organise my things, cleans up my mess when I didn't have time to, and makes things in order everyday. I thought that I was one lucky wife to marry someone who I didn't need to tell what to do when in comes to household chores. But as time goes, his obsession to making things tidy becomes intense as he is already unconsciously hurting my feelings.

I felt offended every time he corrects me in public, (worse, when he shouts at me when things don't get perfectly in place the way he wants them to be.) I lost control over the things at home. When our baby came, the choice clothes, milk bottles and many others were controlled by him. I lost touch of my being a mom and a wife. I felt overrun by someone who became so controlling. My sense of independence and freedom were gone. I suddenly began to question my identity. And every time I think about us, I no longer see love. All I can see is his obsession to perfection.

There were a lot of times that I opened this up to him. Although he is aware of his actions and he was telling me that he was trying to change, everyday is still a struggle for me and our relationship. He doesn't realise how destructive his behaviour is to our marriage. I began researching and seeking professional help for his anxiety. But every time I read online the remedies on OCD, I feel like it is the most difficult struggle to overcome with. I sometimes doubt myself if we will ever be able to save our marriage before I lose own sanity.

But my greatest fear is passing his OCD to our daughter. I know it is very early to tell, but I can see the signs in our baby and I don't want her to suffer the same with her future relationships.

I am trying to heal myself by meditating, praying and doing self care. I don't know if we will ever choose love over our struggles to win our relationship, but this is making me feel so down right now. The worst thing that his OCD is making me feel sick is his trust issues. He doesn't trust me even in the smallest details in life. Whenever I talk about him about something, he would rarely believe me. "Love cannot live without trust", that is what I keep on reminding him every time he doubts me in many things. 

Right now, I am still hopeful that things can get better. Our marriage can still get saved, he will realise how destructive his behaviour is to us, and our family. I am writing this to overcome what I am feeling right now. I don't wanna tell anybody what I am going through because I don't want them to misinterpret our situation. I wanted to save us. I still love him and I am hopeful one day I can get back to this post and say, this phase is over. We made it! 

To those who are going through the same thing as I am going through, I hope you will never stop loving yourself, and trying to save what you have left. 

Not a dream we want to wake up to. Not a reality we want to dream of

Never in my dreams that the world will come into this kind of crisis in this lifetime. Sometimes, I would come pinching myself and wish this is just a bad dream.

As sad and scary as this Coronovirus seems to be, people can see the positive side it brings us. I don't want to think that God is punishing people, but for once, there are a lot of people who are turning back to God. Pollution has been lessen. People has turned back to their homes and families. Time that has been so precious, has been given outmost importance by spending them with their loved ones instead of working their ass out. Money has lessen its value. Health now is the most important thing that people treasure the most. Healthworkers has become the new heroes. Frontliners has gained recognition, finally. And a lot more.

Sometimes, I feel sad. The plans and dreams we have in life has come to a sudden halt. The world is on freeze. We cannot plan, we cannot move forward. We are all asked to stay indoors. But remember, no matter how hard it seems like, it is okay. We are safe. We are healthy. We are at home. And most especially, we are alive!

Few months ago, I left my job in UAE because I was ready to start our new life in another place. For 8 years, I have built a comfort zone there. However, for personal reasons, we need to keep moving forward. I know a lot has been expecting us to get to US as soon as possible. But not everything we plan is under our control. We were already at the last step of our immigration process as we were just waiting for our Interview to be conducted. However, few months later, there came a chaotic situation in the Embassy that a lot got refusals and "at hold status". It was the most stressful time of our lives. I thought we were so much tested with our patience and faith. Nevertheless, I never thought that it was God who had worked big time to protect us from this bigger mess. And yes, we were not one of them, thank God!

When I knew the chaos in Manila Embassy, I flew right away to S. Korea and tried to transfer our case there. There was a resistance that happened. Then it all ended when the US finally decided to hold the immigration process temporarily. I went home. Just the day I landed back home, Korea shut its doors as Coronavirus hit them hard. Travel ban happened just a day after I reached my loved ones' arms. I felt relieved and said, "God, it was you! You saved me, again!"

Few days after, we were still running after our errands, I got hired as a USRN home (Phil) based job. I don't wanna grab it because we were focused on moving out of the country. I told my husband that we should keep moving fast because I can feel that there will be a lockdown in Manila. He was hesitant and thought I was crazy. He said there is no outbreak in the Philippines and given that our country is very hot, the virus cannot stay alive. I still pushed him through. I took the exams with no review (haha) and I passed. Yes, this is an attempt to go to another country (not the US-yet). We finished the visa processing up to the Medical Exam stage. And right after we did, tah dah! Lockdown it was! You know how many "I TOLD YOU SOs," I have given my husband? yeah it was deafening he said. Though our visa is not yet released, I am glad it is now just for releasing and I know after the lockdown, everything will turn out right.

Well today, as I am sitting down here at home, working at the most convenient place with no fears of getting infected, I felt so relieved, loved and blessed. God you are so amazing!

However, whenever I scroll on my newsfeed, it breaks my heart to see a lot of people suffering in pain, hunger, threat and in panic. The world is broken. Sometimes I thought, " God, why didn't You let me help out when the world needs me the most this time? I could have been a nurse treating people today." But then,  with a sigh, I thought that maybe God knows I could not handle the situation. Maybe I have no super immune system to combat the virus. Maybe I am not strong enough to survive the crisis. And because of that, I could not thank Him enough.

Watching the news about the US is heartbreaking. Their health system is breaking down. THIS oh this is answer of my many WHYS.

Yesterday, I got hired in an online job and I am smiling right now. What have I done so right in my previous life to receive God's favor this much? But still I pray. I pray for forgiveness of people, of myself and the whole world.

Remember that whatever happens to us right now, shall pass. Not so soon, but it will. Every denial is a protection, every delay is a blessing.

How to Cope up with Post Pregnany Insecurities

Pregnancy brings a lot of changes to me, physically and emotionally. I know I prayed hard for this day to come when I will become a mother. Then finally when it all came into a real picture, I felt like I lost everything about the old me.


On a positive note, I love every single day that I am with my baby. She brings so much joy to our family. But not everything that is worth it comes easy.


THE "NO-SLEEP" DILEMMA


People who knows me well knows how free-spirited I was when I was single. I would sleep whenever I want to, and get up anytime of the day. My shopping hours were longer than my mealtimes. And of course, my sleeping time is longer than my work times. Then here comes the baby. I was trying to program myself that normally, moms would rage about their struggles at night and that it is normal. True enough, they are not just mere rants. They are for REAL. Sleeping times at night with a baby is really hard! harder than  thought. The good thing on my part is that my husband is a full time partner who takes care of the baby almost the whole time at night especially when I am on duty. Yes, I am lucky. But still, my body clock went crazy. So how did I cope? I keep on telling myself that, "SLEEP IS JUST A STATE OF MIND". We don't die when we only sleep for 4 hours instead of 8 hours at night, right? So slowly, I am not so dramatic about it. Acceptance is the key.


THE UGLY NEW ME


Well yeah, after birth my self esteem went down zero! Whenever I look at myself at the mirror, I could see the post pregnancy dark lines on my neck, face, sagging tummy, ugly stretch marks and excess fats that I don't used to have. Literally, my clothes won't fit me anymore that I have to change from size XS to Large. Yes LARRGGE! How scary is that? Then you know that feeling whenever you see moms on Instagram and how they brag about their post pregnancy body? As if they never gave birth at all? arrggghh. okay, fine!


ACCEPTING YOUR FLAWS


Little by little, I finally came to a point where in I gave in. I gave up the old me. I know I can never bring back the old lifestyle I had. Every time I have to decide on one thing, I have to consider my family first. Well, I know I have so much to give up now that I am a mom. My crazy adventures, my unlimited shopping spree, my sleeping times and of course my vanity. It's always been about my baby now. Her wellbeing,  daily needs and her future. So yes, I have to be a selfless mom. And that is how I have gradually accepted the fact that what I have right now is because of the path that I chose. I chose to be a mom, I chose to be a wife, and this is what it takes.


IMPROVING YOURSELF ONE STEP AT A TIME


When I finally have accepted and figured things out, I finally came out from shell and told myself that "hey, You don't have to be miserable your whole life just because you became a mom!" From there, I researched things on how to take care of my post pregnancy body. 6 months port partum, I went to the gym. Everything went fine at first. However, due to my unpredictable schedule and exhausting "mommy duties" I felt like I would die if I would go on with it. And so I told myself again that maybe baby steps would do. I skipped eating white rice, reduce my sweets intake, and exercise few hours a day. I moisturize my skin religiously everyday and today, I finally could see the glow! My body went back to shape, my skin became healthy again and I don't label myself "ugly" anymore.


Well, I know that every mom is different. Some people, especially celebrities don't need a lot of effort to bring back their old self. But this doesn't mean that some of us will take ourselves for granted already. We need to embrace our flaws in order for us to love our body. When we learn to love our body then we will know how to take care of it. Change can be difficult, but it is beautiful!

Read at your own Risk

I was trying to get back to my old self. I realized how I miss the 25 year old me. The carefree, high spirited, crazy blogger-wanna-be, adventure seeker, and a 42 kilo young version of me who was obsessed to gain weight and get married. And so the closest thing to get back to that time is- blogging. At least now, (andami kong time- kunwari)

I tried to retrieve my old blog but I could not open it anymore. :( The least I can do about it is to backread and laugh about my "ka corny-han" and check on my grammar errors and "kababawan". I realized how shallow I was before. The time when all I had to do was brag about my travels, and cry about my petty heartaches "kuno".  So if you wanna have a laugh then you can read on my previous blog (www.lifeteasers.blogspot.com) and pls, No judging!

Fastforward to this day when everything I used to dream of, has finally come.

1. To travel to Europe- check!

2. To get married- check! Did it turn out how I used to dream of? uhm... well I guess yes it turned out how it should be, and not exactly how I thought it would be. (it is the reality vs. expectation thingy)

3. To get a baby- check! I know I kinda rushed this to happen. After getting married, I rushed to have a baby, because I thought that was the way it should be. (well, I have no regrets though, it's just that, the old tales is sooooo truuueeee! Being a mom is the hardest thing everrrrr, as in ever! Do I need to elaborate?)

Okay, I am writing today because I wanna release every inhibitions I have. No, I am not complaining about everything I am right now. I just thought that writing my heart out is like kicking the stress out of me  too!

There are days, like today when I look back how my life was 7 years ago. I was 25, young and free when I started my life here abroad. I had no other worries than how to have a boyfriend, where to travel next and what to wear the next day. That was how odd my life was, or should I say, how easy breezy everything 7 years ago. And honestly speaking, I miss that-a lot!

I know I am still a newbie being a mom and a wife. I am joggling between reaching my goals and adulting. I know I am not a homebuddy person. I am not that kind of housewife material who can stay 24 hours at home without getting bored. That is the reason why I keep on missing the old me. But then again, I keep on reminding myself that a new chapter of my life now has come, and I have to embrace those changes. As much as I could, I tried to tune up myself to like baking, cooking, homemaking and mommy-harding as much as I could.

For now, I am on the stage of embracing the changes of getting married and being a mom, all at the same time. Embracing the stretchmarks, saggy tummy and post pregnancy flaws. This is life 7 years later. This life I will be missing too 7 years in the making.

Well, not everything you see in pictures is as easy as it looks, but it is as fulfilling as you can imagine. Me at 33 is so much different in all angles. Every change is beautiful no matter how hard it is. I miss my old self, but I love the new self I have become!