I was feeling alright all along. I thought that finding someone you love will make you whole someday. I remember how hopeless romantic my posts were years ago. That time when all I wanna achieve in life is to find someone whom I will love, who can love me too. I did, and everything I had dreamed of actually happened.
What I didn't come to realise is that I am losing myself in the process of loving someone who is complete opposite of me. They say that 2 different people compliments each other. In my case, we more on clash most of the time.
At an early stage of marriage, I had detected that I married a person who has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- google it up to know more about it). My husband is such an organised person who has neat obsessions. At first, I felt so lucky to have someone organise my things, cleans up my mess when I didn't have time to, and makes things in order everyday. I thought that I was one lucky wife to marry someone who I didn't need to tell what to do when in comes to household chores. But as time goes, his obsession to making things tidy becomes intense as he is already unconsciously hurting my feelings.
I felt offended every time he corrects me in public, (worse, when he shouts at me when things don't get perfectly in place the way he wants them to be.) I lost control over the things at home. When our baby came, the choice clothes, milk bottles and many others were controlled by him. I lost touch of my being a mom and a wife. I felt overrun by someone who became so controlling. My sense of independence and freedom were gone. I suddenly began to question my identity. And every time I think about us, I no longer see love. All I can see is his obsession to perfection.
There were a lot of times that I opened this up to him. Although he is aware of his actions and he was telling me that he was trying to change, everyday is still a struggle for me and our relationship. He doesn't realise how destructive his behaviour is to our marriage. I began researching and seeking professional help for his anxiety. But every time I read online the remedies on OCD, I feel like it is the most difficult struggle to overcome with. I sometimes doubt myself if we will ever be able to save our marriage before I lose own sanity.
But my greatest fear is passing his OCD to our daughter. I know it is very early to tell, but I can see the signs in our baby and I don't want her to suffer the same with her future relationships.
I am trying to heal myself by meditating, praying and doing self care. I don't know if we will ever choose love over our struggles to win our relationship, but this is making me feel so down right now. The worst thing that his OCD is making me feel sick is his trust issues. He doesn't trust me even in the smallest details in life. Whenever I talk about him about something, he would rarely believe me. "Love cannot live without trust", that is what I keep on reminding him every time he doubts me in many things.
Right now, I am still hopeful that things can get better. Our marriage can still get saved, he will realise how destructive his behaviour is to us, and our family. I am writing this to overcome what I am feeling right now. I don't wanna tell anybody what I am going through because I don't want them to misinterpret our situation. I wanted to save us. I still love him and I am hopeful one day I can get back to this post and say, this phase is over. We made it!
To those who are going through the same thing as I am going through, I hope you will never stop loving yourself, and trying to save what you have left.
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